Rugby | F1 | Race & Car Event

SLOW, SLOW, QUICK, QUICK, SLOW
Trevor Stott-Briggs
C! Magazine: June 2004

 

Somewhere from the dim and distant memory banks that service what few brain cells that have I seem to recall that phrase. Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow. Actually, I think it comes from teaching people to waltz on an old BBC TV program called Come Dancing hosted by Victor Silvester. And what's that got do with F1 racing? Well, lets see. There has been a flurry of press articles out since the last F1 race in Bahrain on the subject of the speed of F1 cars. By the way can anyone not wearing a "dish-dash" and sporting a beard or at least 3 days stubble actually say the word Bahrain properly? By that I mean "Baahhchhhkrrhainnn". Its difficult for most of us to get the middle bit without actually either swallowing our tongues or spitting all over the person you are talking to. The interesting thing is that "some people" are saying that F1 cars are too fast. Interesting comment in a sport that is totally designed around making cars go as fast as possible around a track, don't you think? Also interesting is that one of the people saying that is Spaniard Marc Gene, the BMW-Williams test driver and clone of Juan Pablo Motormouth (see the pics on the Website). Maybe its just a bit of team jealousy as the BMW-Williams really does not have the legs of the Ferrari. Maybe what he really meant to say is that "some" F1 cars are going too fast.

Actually, despite Schuey Baby winning (again) and Ruby Tuesday being second (again) it was a great race. I watched it with a big bunch of F1 fanatics over at the F1 Club at Teak Restaurant in Rockwell Power Plant, courtesy of Mild 7-Renault, and there were lots of "Oooohs" and "Aaahs" and cheers and stuff throughout the race. And then Jensen Button came 3rd again in the BAR-Honda and is actually 3rd overall in points too. That's pretty good and I am sure Honda BAR-Honda are happy with that. What I'm sure they wont be happy about is the "chizmiz" that the FIA are going to ban a revolutionary new rear wing designed by Dave Richards' team of whiz-kids. Of course the expectation is that the wing will make the BAR-Honda go faster. Has the FIA actually seen the wing yet or even talked to BAR? Well, er, hmmn, no actually. But they think they should ban it anyway. I wonder whose idea that was? Did someone say they saw a red car driving away from the FIA HQ, perhaps?

Interesting too is the fact that Mild 7-Renault are the only team (besides the Big F, of course) to have got both their cars in the points in all three races so far. That's pretty good going. And of course Jours Truly and Fandango Alonso are quietly beavering away picking up points too.

I'm not sure if everyone would agree with me but one of the highlights of the race was Takuma Sake in the other BAR-Honda pushing out AC/DC for 6th place in a great overtaking maneuver. A bit like the Heimlich Maneuver really. You know that's the one they recommend when you have something stuck in your throat and someone has to grab you from behind under the rib cage and lift you up and shake you till you cough it up. Well that's what Takuma Sake did to the MacLaren-Mercedes. Grabbed it from behind and shook it up. I'm sure there were questions asked in the McDo-Mercedes debriefing. Like "And you were driving round this corner at 200 kph in your Mercedes and let this Japanese guy in a Honda overtake you........?" Even I had just been pontificating about the fact that Takuma Sake was in an F1 seat because he had an EXCEEDINGLY rich daddy so he brought a big bag of sponsorship along to the new drivers' interview at BAR. And yes, that is how it's done in F1.

And talking of money, one of the most amusing comments to come out after Bahrain featured Baby Bro Ralf. Unfortunately for himself he has been driving abysmally this season. And the F1 circus is remorseless in its ability to hack last week's hero to pieces. Hero to zero as they say! And F1 has more bitches than you get in Remedios Circle on the Gay Pride Parade. Well, between us girls, Johnny "Needs A Fast Car" Herbert, ex-F1 driver, now racing Audis in German sportscar racing, commented that Baby Bro was full of hype. Well actually, I think the word he used began with "sh..." . And that he was riding along on the laurels of his older brother. This came up as Baby Bro was reputedly asking Toyota to pay him $20 million per year to drive for them next season when his contract lapses with Uncle Frank Williams. Now we all know what a kind, gentle, friendly, philanthropic old man Uncle Frank is. Yeah right! Remember back in 1996 when he dropped Damon Hill like a hot potato just after he became World Champion, having won 8 of the 16 races. So its not likely that he will keep Baby Bro on the books just because his diapers were changed by the same woman that used to do Michael's when he was a tot. I believe that Johnny's comment was that $20 million was way OTT and $20 flat was just about the market rate.

And you don't believe me that F1 is all about money? Well ask Diddy Bernie "The Bolt" Ecclescake. Well, don't ask him this week, as he is probably busy moving house and trying to fit a very large amount of cash into a small safe deposit box somewhere in Switzerland. Yes, he just hit the record books for getting the highest price ever, ever paid for a house anywhere in the world. He just sold his house with 12-bedrooms and a 20-car garage in Kensington, London for $178 million. And this guy used to be a used motorbike salesman in the rough end of London. Now he is about 4ft 6 inches wearing lifts in his shoes, 73 years old, has a 6ft tall, 20-something year old, drop dead gorgeous wife with legs that start just below her Adam's apple and he was already the richest man in England before he got paid for the house. Well they do say there is no such thing as an ugly millionaire.........!

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